whoa...I snapped...

Ok, so it wasn't a big snap, I've snapped big before, but it certainly wasn't a good snap. I've already apologized to the people involved (thanks for understanding, Beth)...but it put a certain amount of reality to something I'd already seen coming. I'm a people person...I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but beyond that and above that, I'm an introvert (which more than anything else just means that I draw my energy from my time alone...for me it's usually time alone with a book). Despite all the time I get to spend on my own in my cubicle at work every day, it's not the sort of reviving alone-time that I need to recharge. When I started all of the things I'm involved in right now I was coming off of a serious recharge (which I hadn't really wanted by the end of that time). So I was ready to go! I was more than ok with coming home all but one night a week and having a 15-30min turn around to be wherever it was my friends were, doing whatever it was we'd planned on doing (always fun things)! I craved that time with people. But I also wasn't thinking about the fact that a lot of these things wouldn't slow down or taper off when I ran out of energy.

The last couple of weeks I've been trying to figure out a way to create more time for me. Time when I can finally finish a book that it's taken me more than a month to read (that never happens, especially with a book I'm interested in, like this one - I should have been done within a week, maybe 2). But being a people person, and even more so a people-pleaser, I haven't been able to figure out a way to say "no" to things. Maybe that's it...maybe I'm just being forced to learn to say no. The hard part comes when you're a people-pleaser and you'd rather wear yourself ragged than let your friends down. I guess this is all to say that A.) I'm going to be saying "no" more often, if I can; B.) I'd really love help in saying "no", I don't know what that means, maybe it means just give me the option/freedom to say it, don't make me feel like a jerk for saying it; C.) know that even if I am saying "no" right now it doesn't mean "never", or that I don't want to hang out with you, rather it means, I know I'm not going to be fun to be around until I can recharge, and I'm afraid I'm only going to keep snapping and it may only get bigger, if I don't learn to say "no".

this is fun!

so, this year at Convocation Chapel the Dean of Students read this "mindset" list, which was evidently borrowed from Beloit College and they've been doing it now for years... and it was interesting hearing all of that for those who are starting college this year, but it's even more fun reading about what my class' own "mindset is supposed to be (find below). The funny thing is that because of who I am (and who raised me) I know about a lot of these things that they say we'd missed out on. Obviously I didn't live through them...but still... Enjoy!

1. Most students entering college this fall were born in 1986.
2. Desi Arnaz, Orson Welles, Roy Orbison, Ted Bundy, Ayatollah Khomeini and Cary Grant have always been dead.
3. "Here's Johnny!" is a scary greeting from Jack Nicholson, not a warm welcome from Ed McMahon.
4. The Energizer bunny has always been going, and going, and going.
5. Large fine-print ads for prescription drugs have always appeared in magazines.
6. Photographs have always been processed in an hour or less.
7. They never got a chance to drink 7-Up Gold, Crystal Pepsi, or Apple Slice.
8. Baby Jessica could be a classmate.
9. Parents may have been reading The Bourne Supremacy or It as they rocked them in their cradles.
10. Alan Greenspan has always been setting the nation's financial direction.
11. The U.S. has always been a Prozac nation.
12. They have always enjoyed the comfort of pleather.
13. Harry has always known Sally.
14. They never saw Roseanne Rosannadanna live on Saturday Night Live.
15. There has always been a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
16. They never ate a McSub at McD's.
17. There has always been a Comedy Channel.
18. Bill and Ted have always been on an excellent adventure.
19. They were never tempted by smokeless cigarettes.
20. Robert Downey, Jr. has always been in trouble.
21. Martha Stewart has always been cooking up something with someone.
22. They have always been comfortable with gay characters on television.
23. Mike Tyson has always been a contender.
24. The government has always been proposing we go to Mars, and it has always been deemed too expensive.
25. There have never been any Playboy Clubs.
26. There have always been night games at Wrigley Field.
27. Rogaine has always been available for the follicularly challenged.
28. They never saw USA Today or the Christian Science Monitor as a TV news program.
29. Computers have always suffered from viruses.
30. We have always been mapping the human genome.
31. Politicians have always used rock music for theme songs.
32. Network television has always struggled to keep up with cable.
33. O'Hare has always been the most delay-plagued airport in the U.S.
34. Ivan Boesky has never sold stock.
35. Toll-free 800 phone numbers have always spelled out catchy phrases.
36. Bethlehem has never been a place of peace at Christmas.
37. Episcopal women bishops have always threatened the foundation of the Anglican Church.
38. Svelte Oprah has always dominated afternoon television; who was Phil Donahue anyway?
39. They never flew on People Express.
40. AZT has always been used to treat AIDS.
41. The international community has always been installing or removing the leader of Haiti.
42. Oliver North has always been a talk show host and news commentator.
43. They have suffered through airport security systems since they were in strollers.
44. They have done most of their search for the right college online.
45. Aspirin has always been used to reduce the risk of a heart attack.
46. They were spared the TV ads for Zamfir and his panpipes.
47. Castro has always been an aging politician in a suit.
48. There have always been non-stop flights around the world without refueling.
49. Cher hasn't aged a day.
50. M.A.S.H. was a game: Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House.

ok, so it's only August...

however, I've decided to be a participant in this year's nanowrimo! I have tried once to participate, but during school the month of November is so bogged down with papers and tests, etc. it was difficult to spend the time needed on actually getting anywhere with the writing. Oh, for those of you who don't know (and who didn't follow the link provided above) NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month; it's in the month of November and from 12:o1am on November first to 11:59pm on November 30th the goal is to write 50,000 words (approx. 175 pages)! So from here until November first I intend to start playing with ideas and hopefully get an outline lined out for the novel I'll be undertaking! If you have any desire to join me in this endeavor, you should! Even if we don't make it to the full 50k word-mark at least we will have tried, yes? Yes!

Well, now you know! That's the plan and I'm gonna do this thing!

All in the Family

So, I know that a few of you who read this will be present on July 11th, and so I can't give too much away, but I will say that those of you who are missing it, are really missing out! This event promises to be another good one. Should be rather interesting, to say the least. Again, like last time, we're eliminating the paper clues. However there are a few other major changes/new things we're trying out.

*Oh, for those who don't know what in the world I'm talking about: I am half of a two-woman team that writes, plans, and hosts murder mystery parties/events. We've been playing around with the idea of actually becoming a business. Right now we call ourselves Nichelle Mysteries. When the craziness of this upcoming event has passed we'll begin work on a website, but for now you can reach us at Nichelle.Mysteries@gmail.com.

Ok, now back to some of the new things we're trying out with this upcoming party! Like I said above, we've cut out the paper clues, and again most of the clues will be verbally shared and there will be a board of a few pertinent pieces of information. Which reminds me, I need to go work on a few of those...But another new development is that we're not telling the muderer(s) that he/she/they did it. And finally, unlike most of our mysteries the guests aren't receiving individual character sketchs, and unlike the mafia ones where they've gotten "family" sketches with no individual information; we're going somewhere in between for this one. It's a bunch of familiy sketches, but each family is made up of individuals. We'll see how these changes work. That's the nice thing about having willing test subjects (friends) to try some of these things out on! We're also only doing dessert and drinks this time around. But that's more for practicality's sake than anything else. Well, I'll leave it there for now. When I get a chance, after Saturday of course, I'll post pictures.

I found this and thought that it...

...did a much better job of describing me than I usually do. I'm posting it for my own benefit. So I can come back later and not have to go searching forever to find it the next time around. Found it at: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

...a year...

It's been a year. I really don't know how that could be the case. There are moments that feel as if the events of this last year all happened no more than a couple of months ago. On the opposite side of things in the way the world works, it feels as though that was a lifetime ago. Now that I have the distance I think I can more easily put words to what has happened. To warn you, the below isn't just a recounting of what's happened...it's a message of gratitude to God for bringing me through, and for all of the people He's used to bless my life during that time, and it's a bit of an explanation of what's been happening in my life. 

Upon graduating, I enjoyed a moment of revelry in having accomplished so much. But that moment passed away all too quickly and was overshadowed by the daunting shadow that was the future. As much as I wanted to look at it in my usually optimistic and sunny way, I couldn't. I had just spent the last 17, or so, years of my life as a student. For various reasons it was through the school year and, over the years, the ways in which school changed that I used as my marker of time passing. I think to an extent a lot of people do that. (and I'll always admit openly that I'm weird) But, in many ways, college, especially, was always where I was going. Meaning, from a ride young age of 4 or 5 I started saying that I was going to Biola (just like Lorraine ;-) ). By the time I'd graduated junior high (and Dani can vouch for me on this) that my life goals hadn't changed much. I was still "Biola-Bound". So when I started going to Biola, I started living out my big life goal up until that point. When graduation came and that was over...as some of you well know...I had a hard problem coming to grips with the fact that beyond going to Biola and graduating I hadn't really done more than dream about what was next. Those dreams were all grand and amazing, and a couple are fairly practical. However, completing A MAJOR life goal left me feeling useless. I've done what I set out to do, the story should end here; right? If only it were that easy. 

Thanks to my folks and some great friends, who's shoulders were more than soaked, I chose to set out to find whatever it is that's next. The story is not over yet, and although the road ahead looked rough and dark, I had to move forward. So, I moved. Thanks to my family I was blessed with a place to live, rent-free, while I tried to get on my feet. This time was fun. It was strange, and I can honestly say that a lot of what happened in those months are foggy as I know I was on auto-pilot, simply existing and not actively living. In September/October the fog turns into a blur because of an amazing job I found with the same person who 1st put Biola on my radar! (Thanks!) It was also in this time that I re-found/re-forged some friendships that honestly made a world of difference. I had still spending what time I had with friends around, but these guys really helped me realize that I wasn't alone any longer. So, thanks to you too. When the fog lifted I found that the loneliness I'd been experiencing was common amongst a large number of us who had graduated together and at this point in the last year, despite the fact that we were headed into winter, the sun came back out in my life! God is faithful, God is so good, it may take a little while to see what's happening, but He's always been there and always will be there! 

I still don't know what's next! I'd love to hope that it's Words Words Words (the bookstore, not this blog) or that it's more Nichelle, or both! But it's all in God's hands, and so am I! So for those of you who have been on this journey with me (either in person or in prayer) thank you so much for your support, thank you for your friendship! I wish there was a better word to express my gratitude, but I hope that thanks is enough for now! Know that I love you all and you've been a huge blessing! 

all of my nerdiness all in one place

here ya go: Neil Gaiman writing a soliloquy for David Tennant as the Doctor as Hamlet...

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2008/05/not-really-about-anything.html

p.s. I'd love to have been able to see David Tennant as Hamlet!